A Quick Forward: I poured my heart into this blog. I don't know who needed this today, but God really placed it on my heart to write about it. Just know, you aren't alone.
I watched the Grammy's yesterday with my mom and my brother, and a lot of the performances were actually significantly better than I expected. One in particular struck a chord in me.
It was a beautiful performance. It was heartbreaking, and I'm not ashamed to admit I cried. Although, I cry a lot, so that really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.This song was originally recorded a few days before her drug overdose last July, but wasn't released until this week. And it really got me thinking.
Lately, I have seen first hand what suicide does to a family. I have also seen what being suicidal feels like. I can also say I know what it's like to have a near-death experience.
I know what it's like to feel alone and to feel like you don't belong -- I spent the majority of my middle school, high school, and college life that way. It wasn't until last semester that I found a sense of belonging, but that belonging is only in scarce bursts. I think I've mentioned this before, but through middle school and early high school, I was bullied by a girl who I had once called my best friend. She turned all of my friends against me, and basically exiled me out of her friends group.
When I was fourteen, I wanted to kill myself. I had a spot in my life when I was seventeen where I felt the same way, after I was stupid enough to believe that a boy I was in love with loved me. There's more to the story than that, but that isn't the point I'm making.
I know what it's like to see a glimpse of Heaven, and I know what it's like to have suicidal thoughts.
As someone who almost died, I want to tell you what a gift life is.
Even though I am lost, even though I don't know who I am, even though I am weighed down by my ailments, even though I'm trapped by my trauma, and even though I am scared of my own shadow, I will say it again.
Life is a gift.
Don't get me wrong, life totally sucks sometimes (I mean, just look who you're talking to), but that's what makes it beautiful.
I wish I could tell you how to fix the problems you're dealing with. And maybe the hand life dealt you is unfair. It often is. The worst things always happen to the best people. But, honestly? That's how I know I'm going in the right direction.
Side Note: Don't take that out of context. When you don't cause your circumstances, and they happen to you. That's what I mean.
“Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.” 1 Peter 4:12-13
God never promised us life would be easy.
And I know. I know depression is hard. I know what it feels like to be hopeless. I know how consuming it is when you get sucked into the inescapable spiral of anxiety. I know the feelings that are behind wanting to take your own life. I know the earth-shattering reality of having your heart broken. I know the cold slap to the face that is the moment your life turns upside-down.
I mean, look at me. Really look at me.
It was supposed to be a simple procedure. And now, I can't work and I'm barely in school. Me, Miss "I graduated high school at sixteen with a 4.0 GPA." Me, Miss "I work and take six classes at a time, and spend most of my nights at events at church."
I worked myself to the bone. Always. All the time. So, much, that in the end, it did begin to compromise my grades. My "A's" dropped to "B's". I even graduated with two "C's" in my degree. Albeit, they were in math, but still.
I was always doing something. And, now? I can't. I'm scared to leave my house. My paranoia races because I don't want to be in the hospital again. I just want to stay at home all the time because it's the only place I feel safe. And I hate that I feel that way.
I know what it feels like to be so utterly broken that you aren't recognizable to the people who love you the most. I know what it's like to feel those things. I know what it's like to be stuck in the mud, to be trapped in every single way.
But, look back up at that verse.
What's that first word say?
adjective: dearly loved. noun: a much loved person.
Do you see that?
You are beloved.
You are dearly loved.
By me, by the people around you... Every single person around you. People would miss you if you were gone.
Please, if you are reading this, if you are feeling this way, take this as a sign from someone who understands.
Don't do it. Don't kill yourself.
Don't do something you won't live to regret.
As someone who has been there, and as someone who was literally on death's door:
Life is a gift.
Even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
You are a gift.
Friend, beloved, be gentle with yourself.
I love you.
And so does God. He put you here on this earth for a reason.
Don't let your pain and suffering tear you away from all of the beautiful things to come.
It gets better. I promise you that. It gets better.
But never in the way you expect.
So, hold on just a little bit longer.
You've got this. You are strong.
And I am so, so proud of you.
He will carry you through this.
Just breathe, friend. You've got this.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Written: January 28th, 2020 at 11:30am
Current Read: Trials of Apollo: The Burning Maze by Rick Riordon
Current Binge: Suite Life of Zack and Cody