To address the elephant in the room first: my brother was in a major motorcycle accident. He's doing okay now, but has a lot of injuries and a lot of pain. Thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated for him.
So, thank you for all of you who have supported him (and my family) thus far.
In an ever-evolving and spiraling circle, change is nothing but a carousel; cyclical, repetitive.
I find myself going back to old habits, though I'm a new person. For example, the feeling of the other shoe always about to drop. It's hard to fight against it. Especially when things like my brother almost getting killed happen.
My brother almost died. There were fifteen minutes where I thought he was dead. It was... I did not handle it well.
I remember saying to God, "If you take my brother away from me, I will never forgive you."
All of this after having a wonderful session with my therapist about how great life is and how happy I was. Now, I'm having anxiety attacks again and can't stop thinking about the accident. I'm mourning the fact that I'm in survival mode again, that I'm not feeling truly happy like I was. I'm so relieved my brother is alive. In fact, I start crying just typing those words.
But change is hard. Change is different and difficult and it's frustrating.
It's weird to write about because I'm not totally sure what to say about it. Everyone is familiar with it, and everyone knows how much it sucks.
I think we forget that change can be a good thing sometimes though. Like a new job, a new relationship, or a new pet. Change doesn't have to be all bad, but I think sometimes we get caught in this cycle of thinking it's bad because it's so intense for so long. And as humans, we have an intense desire to control things outside of our control. When we let that go (at least a little) and begin to take on a more accepting mindset, it becomes a bit easier to embrace this ride that we're on, with all of its ups and downs.
Having the pain and joy of change is a good thing, so don't ever let yourself shut down those emotions. No matter how much it hurts, don't turn it off. It makes the good taste so much sweeter.
Have you ever met those people whose life has really thrown them around, but somehow they're one of the most wonderful people you've met?
I know a few of those. It's magical to see people so loving and kind, especially when life has been anything but for them.
Change is... terrifying. It's new, unexpected, different. Change is a complete uprooting of something that you knew before and launching you into something else. Maybe a new job, or a cancer diagnosis. Maybe a new pet, or the loss of one.
Change is hard.
But take it from me: Change doesn't have to be a bad thing. It's hard to make change a good thing a lot of the time, but it's important to try. If you can't recognize the good in your life, then all you're going to see is the bad. What a depressing existence that is.
Being positive isn't easy, and being a Positive Penny isn't helpful. So, just be yourself. But try to smile more, maybe laugh a little, and make some lemonade with those lemons.
Like I said. Change is hard, but surround yourself with people and things that make it easier.
I have some amazing friends who have been life-changing. One is wild and free, the other is more calm and secure. For me, they're perfect. I love them so much and they make the difficult things so much easier. I have people in my life who were checking in on me when Joshua was in the hospital, just making sure I was eating.
Find you some people who make the difficult not so difficult. Again, easier said than done, but not impossible. I believe in you.
Life is hard, but the people we surround ourselves with really make a difference. I am so grateful for all of the people in my life. I have some amazing friends and family. I got to see who was really supportive in my life when Joshua was in his accident. I learned a lot about the friends I have and the family I have. I learned a lot about those who love me and those who claim to.
Use change to help you learn the truth. It's a great tool to see true colors. And sometimes, if you get lucky, you get to see a magnificent rainbow of love from those around you. Embrace change, and make it work for you.
Change is a great tool. You just have to learn how to use it.