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So I've fallen off the radar for a while.
I'm trying really hard to get back into the swing of things. I've been pretty unwell until recently, and now that I'm doing better, I really want to talk about things more often. So, while I've got Friends reruns on in the background, let's chat.
After Final Fantasy VII playthroughs and yet another rewatch of Gilmore Girls, I'm finally ready to talk. Well. Write.
Over the past year, I've had a severe concussion that I never really had treated until around the Holidays. I had some work problems, and more health problems, but all-in-all, I'm finally doing okay.
Mostly.
Back in January, I began to see a psychiatrist at the recommendation of my therapist. I'd been recommended to see one for about a year and a half now, and have been wanting to see one longer, but I finally mustered up the courage to do it.
My results weren't the most surprising, except for one. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and the most surprising...
Bipolar Disorder 2.
Now, to clarify, Bipolar 2 is the one with less severe manic episodes. So, it would have been really hard to catch. I was almost diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, but it turned out to be Bipolar.
This diagnosis has been life changing for me. I've gotten on some good medication and I'm getting the help that I needed. I finally feel like myself again. Now, I'm struggling with the shame of the way I behaved with Bipolar Disorder and even mentioning it briefly causes me to get emotional.
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder.
The brain can't regulate itself properly, resulting in manic (or hypomanic) episodes followed by depressive episodes. And it's exhausting. But part of mania is an often over-looked thing: anger.
I've always been prone to emotional outbursts out of nothing, and I look back at my old friendships and feel ashamed. I do have one in particular in mind, that ended several years ago. It's really difficult to put into words how much shame and regret I have over some of my behaviors.
Up until I was diagnosed, it never occurred to me that someone may have to protect themselves from me, and I pushed one of my friends into that position. That isn't to say she was completely blameless (we were both at fault), but I am not as blameless as I may have thought, and my abnormal behaviors likely were what ended our friendship.
This friend would've known me when I really just started to show symptoms, and tried to tell me something was wrong and I never took it well. Her and I were not the best at communicating. I really miss her and want to talk to her, but have yet to draw up the courage to send her a text so I can explain myself.
On top of all of this, I was officially diagnosed with Postural-Orthostatic-Tachycardia-Syndrome (POTS) in the end of 2022. I have a wonderful doctor who goes above and beyond to help me. I think he's great. My sister got married and I passed out at her wedding (yay, POTS!). I also am still single, but feel pretty good about it because I have two amazing best friends who I don't know where I would be without.
I'm currently pursuing a diagnosis for an autoimmune disease per the request of my cardiologist. He's thinking Lupus (or SLE). I feel like I'm finally moving into a more positive place in my life.
I started going to church again, and joined a women's Bible Study. I'm so happy to be doing better. I feel incredibly grateful for where I am now.
Between Strawberries and Cream Dr. Pepper Zero and a full Italian dinner, I feel perfectly content. I don't really have big desires going right now, but I'm okay with that.
For the first time, in a very, very long time, I feel happy.
I have a vision board going, and I kept my goals relatively small and achievable, but I like that too. I had way too many listed last year.
I am going to blog more often, and I'm happy to have you along on this journey with me. I've got a game-plan for blogging, so I hope to see you again soon!
Lots of love,
Natalie
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Date Written: 2/19/23
Current Watch: Friends
Current Read: The House Across the Lake by Riley Sager
Current Listen: begin again by purity ring
Current Play: Final Fantasy VII Remake
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
