At nineteen, a lot of people expect you to have your entire life planned out. And honestly, it really sucks.
Yet, instead of planning out my life, I'm stuck here waiting for another surgery I just found out I need. Not just a surgery, but an invasive surgery where I get part of my colon removed so that my doctors can gather lymph nodes and test them for cancer. Which, by the way, is completely unresponsive to chemo and radiation. So, when they find the cancer, and stage it, we won't even be able to treat it the normal way.
Yeah, so I'm a bit cynical. Sue me.
Because you know what? I'm nineteen.
All I've wanted my entire life is to be somewhat normal, and never once have I fit in and the one time I think I might possibly get to be a normal nineteen year old girl, this happens.
I just want to be a normal girl who knows what she wants with her life and is going to college. I don't even want to party, or drink, or be in a sorority. I want to go do fun things, go to class, or have a boyfriend. I want my worries to be about saving money to move out soon.
Right now, I don't even get that. I get to think about how if I end up having one of those horrible genetic diseases that caused this how I don't want to have kids. I get to think of how terrified I am knowing what's probably going to kill me one day. I get to think of how out everything that could have happened to me it had to be the one thing that makes me even more different, even more of a freak than I already was.
And here's the part where people "Oh, Natalie, honey," me and proceed to tell me how I'm not a freak and I'm just special.
Special ain't all it's cracked up to be.
I'm tired of being the special person. I'm tired of being the girl who is so smart she graduated both high school and college early. I'm tired of being the girl who really didn't have any friends growing up because she was different. I'm tired of being the girl who is overweight. I'm tired of being the girl who looks different. I'm tired of being the girl who's sick. I'm tired of being the girl who's incredibly lonely, despite her friends. I'm tired of trying to be understood.
I'm tired of being different.
And the one time that I finally got to feel normal, it was torn away from me faster than I could even try to say the word "normal."
And it sucks.
And then, people keep telling me to take a break from school. But, I have to feel like I'm going towards something. I have to feel like I'm doing something other than being sick and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
Everything, everything, that I thought I had control over has been taken away from me with such a brute force that I'm still standing there and staring at me open hands in an attempt to comprehend what just happened.
I am surrounded by people who love me and want to help me and take care of me, but never have I felt more alone.
And to be honest, I don't know how to cope with all of this.
I really just want to throw things. Or, I never want to leave my bed.
I have never, never in my life, been as stressed as I am right now. Everything that happens with all of this changes the rest of my life. To be honest, I don't think anyone truly seems to realize that.
It's just a really sucky situation. I just don't know where to go, and I don't know what to do. And, I'm really struggling with that. Honestly, I'm not in a state to make any sort of major life decisions. So, all of my major life decisions have come from Friends. Phoebe has a game she plays with Joey to help him make decisions. We've been using that method at home.
Sidenote: Umm. I'm a pretty big Friends fan. (To see an awesome Friends themed jacket that a friend of mine made me, hit up my Instagram or Facebook!)
That method hasn't been the most helpful. My career has gone from phlebotomy to nursing, and from nursing back to English, and from English to criminal psychology, and from criminal psychology to cosmetology. Right now, I'm kind of stuck between criminal psychology and cosmetology. If I go into criminal psychology, it would be to become a criminal profiler. Which, would be super cool. Cosmetology has really piqued my interest too though. But, I'm just trying to figure out what tomorrow looks like, so it's really difficult for me to have to try to pick out classes for the spring when I don't know what I even want to do.
As you can see, I'm kind of falling apart.
A lot of the time I feel like I'm not even here. There's a lot of gaps in my memory, right now. I can vaguely tell you things that happen, but I can't elaborate. Or, it takes a while.
I'm not entirely here. I forget plans, I double or triple book myself. I'm not sleeping. Most nights, I'm up late with racing thoughts, and then I wake up during the wee hours of the morning.
A mentor and dear friend of mine, Mary Ann, mentioned to me that I'm probably in shock. She's had her own experiences with cancer, so it's been really beneficial for me to have someone like her in my life. (Fun fact: Mary Ann is the reason I got one of my tattoos, and it's actually her handwriting. But, that's a story for a different blog.)
Most days, I'm barely functioning. I dress cute and wear makeup, because honestly, it feels like the only thing I can control right now. I'm stress eating too. But, that's a whole 'nother issue that I probably need to be talking to my therapist about.
But, the point I'm making here is that I'm not okay, and I'm far from it. I'm having an incredibly difficult time being positive.
So, if you want to reach out and get in touch, do that. If you have songs you want to share. Or, if you want to pray for me in a more specific way, that's cool too.
I love to hear from people, and I love to talk to people. And, to be honest, my brain is kind of fried, so I'm having a hard time thinking up topics to write about. So, if you have questions or suggestions, they are more than welcome. (*cough* suggestions will help me update more often *cough cough*)
Anyway, someone dear to me once said that it's only when it's dark that we can see the stars. And, in order to see the stars, we can't be looking at our feet.
So, today, I'm doing my best to find the stars in my life. And though it's hard with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'm just doing my best to look up.
Written: Sunday, November 24th, 2019 at 11:00pm
Current Read: Stuart Little by E. B. White
Current Jam: Here With Me by Marshmello and CHVRCHES
My "Star" of the Day: I got to have an amazing walk and talk with one of my friends, followed by a super chill game night with the cousins. Man, I really need to have more fun.
Favorite Thanksgiving Food: Pecan Pie