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Where I've Been

Six months, huh?


Yikes.


Well, a lot has changed since we last talked. A lot.


First off, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!




Secondly, I hope you're doing well and pray that things go smoothly in your life.


Thirdly, I've really struggled with this blog lately because I've become a very private person. I've been keeping a lot to myself lately, and candidly, I'm scared of being judged. A lot of you know me from very specific ways -- whether it be through my parents, church, or whatever.


It's hard to think about sharing some things I have to say because I know they're controversial, and I'm terrified of people coming back and hating me because of it. I hold some very controversial opinions about things and I'm trying to figure out how to talk about them as I process my beliefs. I think it's important I talk about them at some point, but that time is not today.


I'm just not ready for that. I hope I will be soon. That I'll be ready to stand up for myself and fight for my beliefs, but in the meantime, I'll be here, figuring out what they all are and what that means for me.


I haven't missed blogging, to be honest. I think it's because I haven't really been my real self. It makes me think of a friend of mine, who puts on a damn good show, but has some serious issues underneath. And while I was honest about some of my problems, my fear of judgement has kept me constrained.


Lately, I've been doing a lot of processing and back and forth with school and work and life. It's all just so overwhelming sometimes, and it doesn't help that I've got a self-sabotage streak a mile wide. But, I've settled on a plan. I'm going to keep that a secret for now, I think. Just so I can take some time to breathe and build my focus for it. But, it's a good plan and I'm very excited about it.


College, here I come! It's been too long, old friend.


As for writing, my path has changed a little. It's incredibly difficult to self-publish a book, and incredibly expensive, so I will not be doing that any time soon. But, I'm still writing. I intern with Study Breaks and will finish that in January. I write for them weekly, and it's been a wonderful experience. I'm still working on the sequel to Secrets in Ashes, and I hope more than anything that one day, they'll be published.


Life has been a lot, but not necessarily in a bad way. I'm learning about boundaries and toxic friendships, bonding with family and sharing a smile with a stranger. I'm learning so much lately that it can be a lot to process.


It's been four years since I almost died on the table, and while I will always carry that trauma with me, it's not as intense as it was. Not even close.


For the first time in a long time, I feel happy from my soul.


And it's a really good feeling.


I hope you feel happy too. You deserve it.


Love you lots,

Natalie

 

Current Listen: No Promises to Keep by Loren Allred

Current Watch: Love Hard



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