Where I'm At

Life is weird.

Life is weird. Like, really weird.

If I'm honest, I only started this blog because I wanted to stay in touch with too many people all at the same time. It became a way for me to communicate with my family and friends while I was sick without having to reply to about a thousand texts.

But, now, I don't know where I stand with it. I don't want the blog to feel like an obligation, but a lot of the time it does, simply because I don't know what to say or how to say it. I'm dealing with a lot of heavy emotional things, and I started therapy for my PTSD this week, so fingers crossed that it goes well.

I don't have a lot to say right now. We're still running blood tests and it's agonizing waiting for results. I'm being tested for Von Willebrand Disease right now, and then we'll just have to go from there. But, so far, nothing has showed up. I'm going to have to get a medical alert bracelet, because I am a bleeder, but I've been trying to wait because if I have a diagnosis, I'll put the diagnosis on there.

The world is just weird right now, and exhausting.

I'm definitely ready to go back to school in the fall. I'm headed to UTD for Arts Technology in Design and Production (possibly with a concentration in game design). I'm really excited about it. I'm trying to get a job right now, and I'm aiming for maybe Starbucks? We'll see. I've started drawing lately, both pencil and paper as well as digital art. I might share some of it at some point, but I'm not sold on that right now. It's oddly therapeutic, I've found and really helps slow my anxiety. There's something about color that calms my heart.

My anxious little heart is so overwhelmed, even though life has slowed down a lot. It's slowly phasing back to normal, which is good. I'm looking at churches to attend, but I think for now, I'm just going to not bother with it. I love church, don't get me wrong, but it's a lot of work to find a church home and it's even harder to connect with the people there. I just don't think I'm in a place for that right now.

I have a few really good friends who have been there for me and are amazing to have in my life. I'm even planning a trip to Europe with my sisters! (Okay, so Sarah isn't technically my sister, but shhhh!)

Overall, I finally feel like "a normal human being" again as I've been telling all of my doctors. I've been plowing through Animal Crossing, watching shows on Netflix and HBOMax (Friends is on there! Yay!) I've been trying to read more, have been actively working on my mental health, and at least do some yoga every day if I don't exercise. My doctor wants me to lose some weight for health reasons, so that's what I'm working on now. I'm focusing on myself in this season of my life and that's okay. I want to be a better person in every way that I can.

And, as I'm writing this post, it doesn't feel like an obligation, it does feel like a mess of emotion that I have to sort through to blog. It just feels like... Well, me.

It hasn't been like that for a long time, and it's nice to have it back.

Honestly, I feel like I'm finally learning how to be myself again. After the Trauma with a capital T in December, I think it was too difficult for me to feel like myself, to feel normal. I didn't write, or draw, or read, or do anything that I really enjoyed. I wasn't productive, I was barely in school, and I was tired all the time (I mean, that hasn't changed, but it's better). Now, I've reorganized my room some, finished my novel and am prepping it to send out, I'm playing Minecraft with my sister, going shopping with my mother...

I finally feel like me. Or, at least most of me.

And, that's a really nice feeling.

After feeling so lost, the sweet relief of being found, or knowing you will be found, is phenomenal.

I don't know who I am, and that's a concept I've become okay with. I found myself in not knowing who I am. And I'm okay with that.

This is where I am today. Today's blog post is kind of short, but I had a ton blood drawn earlier, so I'm really wiped out. I'm going to go take a nap.

But, I'd love to hear your thoughts, opinions, comments, and questions on anything and everything. So, feel free to reach out. I'm always down to chat.

Until next time! Have a good week, friends!

Written: June 10th, 2020 at 1:15pm

Current Watch: Watership Down on Netflix

Current Jam: As She's Walking Away by Zac Brown Band (feat. Alan Jackson)

Current Read: Yeah, I'm still on The Last Wish, guys.