If there is one place I'm used to being, it's on my knees in prayer and asking questions. I've been in a lot of places where I don't have answers. Funnily enough, it's one of the only things that's consistent in my life. Well, okay. Maybe not on me knees. Maybe more like in bed and crying about it.
I, like so many people, don't like not knowing things. Whether or not it's going to rain, what school to go to, what to major in, what to write about, what's going on with my health... And the list goes on and on and on.
Most of my time has been spent in the catastrophe of the endlessness of the unknown. Gosh, it drives me up the wall. I hate it.
To be honest, the feelings I have during each situation are so incredibly different too.
Obviously, frustration is always at the tip-top of that list. But, still.
Like, right now, for example. I'm going to the oncologist on Friday (11/8/19) to get more details on my tumor and whether or not it was cancer, and all sorts of other stuff. I'm not super frustrated about waiting for this one, actually. But to be quite honest, I'm not really paying attention to it. When I think about it too much, I just freeze and get worked up. I get scared. Terrified. This whole situation is kind of surreal, but also incredibly real at the same time.
It's the type of thing you can't understand until you've been there.
Normally, I'm the last person to say something like this. Going to an oncologist one of the most traumatizing experiences I've ever had in my entire life. It's intensely vulnerable and absolutely terrifying. It's both humbling and humiliating at the same time. And, to be honest, the appointment wasn't even bad. The doctor was fantastic. But it's the fact that I had to go in the first place. When I describe this, a lot of people honestly just don't understand and ask me a ton of questions about it. But, like I said before. You can't understand until you've been there.
Anyway, totally not the point.
When I don't know something, I tend to close myself off from people and shut down. I unintentionally isolate myself because I can't think straight because I'm hurting. Let me clarify: not knowing little things doesn't bother me as much. I still get frustrated with those, but right now I'm referring to the bigger things that happen in my life.
And God, the amazing, benevolent God He is, gifts me with more time to agonize over everything.
Okay, please recognize the sarcasm there.
I'm not blaming everything on God. I do understand why God gives me more time. Most of the time, when I isolate myself I don't deal with my frustrations properly. It takes me a while to realize that I'm supposed to ask for help. I can't just sit and wait for it to come.
God uses the unknown to show us what we need to know. That is, if we're willing to listen.
This is something I used to have a hard time with. I spend so much time agonizing over the things I don't know, what am I missing?
Let's take right now, for example.
Someone I know was supposed to send me a text today, about something I think is extremely important to me. So, all day, I've been frying my brain by thinking about it so much. I can't stop thinking about it, because they haven't texted me. The funny thing is, I knew they were busy today and may not text me. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about it because it's so important to me.
And, now, I'm only half-focused on this blog post and keep switching web browser tabs because I've been so frustrated with everything going on in my life, and if I completely honest, I really don't want to think about it. At all.
I'm prioritizing my need for answers above my day-to-day life. Which so many of us do. I know from experience. It just takes so much out of you, focusing on that need for answers.
Because you know what? You don't need the answers. All you need is faith and to trust in the God who put you on this earth in the first place. If you can't trust God, then what is it all for? What's the point? If you can't trust that He'll help you through these difficult times, then how can you trust that He sent His son to die for you? That you're guaranteed a spot in heaven?
If you can't trust God, the maker of the universe, then you can't trust anything or anyone. For all you know, we could be in The Matrix.
What a lot of people don't realize is that it isn't the question and answers that matter. It's what you do in the pause between. How do you handle your frustrations with God? How do you handle your emotions? Who are the people in your life around you? Do you ask for help? What good/bad habits do you currently have that might need modifying? How are you pursing your answers? Are you pursing your answers?
I have a love/hate relationship with the unknown. On one hand, I completely despise it because I no longer have control. On the other hand, I love it because it's beautiful and being trapped in the unknown is something that has taught me so many different things.
Without having the unknown in my life, I wouldn't be the woman I am today.
The best advice I can give you is to keep praying, and to use this pause between your questions and answers to be fruitful. Even if being fruitful looks like stopping to smell the roses. Do something good with this time.
If I had known half of the things in my life that would have happened, if I had received even a fraction of the answers that I had wanted in the first place, I never would have gotten out of bed. I am better off not knowing.
We aren't supposed to know everything that happens in life, and that's the whole point of this blog. We don't need to know. We don't need to know, no matter how much we want to. Knowing doesn't make us a better person. Knowing doesn't help do anything except satiate our curiosity. Which isn't always healthy to indulge.
My challenge for you: Take a few minutes today to think about your life. Is there a question you are craving answers for? Write down on paper! Also write down the answer you want. Then, tear up the paper. As soon as you tear it up, you have to be done with it. At least for that day. Then, if you have to, do it again tomorrow and let it go again. I personally write them down and put them in a little can that I call my "God Can" (it's totally punny). It's a way for me to put my trust in God and let go of my unknowns. I hope you give it a try.
Date Written: Wednesday, November 6th, 2019 at 8:45pm
Song of the Day: Waves by Dean Lewis
One Thing I'm Thankful For: Music, definitely music.
A Book I Want To Read: Cinder by Marissa Meyer. I totally own the book, I just haven't read it yet. I've heard good things about it though. And I've read several of her other books! I'm hooked on the Renegades series!