Sometimes, I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a precipice. My legs dangle off of it as I stare into the setting sun, watching the people moving on the walking trails and paths below. And I know that I'm stuck where I am for a while. Maybe for a little bit someone comes to sit with me, but they end up leaving and going down the trail too. And by the time I can stand again and keep walking, I've been left behind. Again.
So, I just rappel down the face of the precipice to begin my walk once more.
I was fine with being left behind, but I found out that someone who I didn't think was going to is going to, and it's fine. I'm proud of them for carrying on and doing what they need to do to be happy.
I had another friend drop me recently, because there was a miscommunication and something she said came across as offensive, and then I didn't grovel at her feet to apologize for when I got a bit defensive, she decided to unfriend me. Even though I was trying to make things right.
I have a friend who apparently, I don't mean as much to as I thought I did.
It's been rough.
Then, let's not forget the health stuff.
I've been getting really sick and having all the same cancer symptoms that I used to. Except, now I'm passing out. I passed out in April, receiving a nasty concussion and having to finish the spring semester remotely. My oncologist ran a bunch of scans, looking for the type of cancer I had before, and I don't have it. I don't have any of that.
So, I saw my PCP.
I don't have diabetes, but apparently, I have extremely high blood pressure for a 22-year-old woman. I'm running anywhere between 150/90-170/110. It's pretty bad. My resting heartrate has gone up. I'm not sleeping well. My brain fog is so bad that I can't find my words half of the time and it just makes me want to scream. My OCD has gotten significantly worse. I zone out so badly that I miss major parts of conversations and I just can't take it anymore.
So, I saw a cardiologist.
And now we're running about a million tests. Well, I'm being dramatic. But, it's a lot.
And then I keep having these dreams when I do sleep, about this guy I know from school. And I swear, have you ever met someone and just feel like your soul recognizes them? Like your soul just knows them? I feel like I know him, like if past lives existed that him and I knew each other, that I've seen him before. Talking to him feels like home. And, I think about him a lot. We don't even talk that much, but I love seeing him and I get all awkward and shy and I have all of these feelings and it's weird because he's younger than me, but I really care about him?
And I'm having so many feelings about myself and my friends and I just want to hide. I want to hide from the world, but I've been doing that for a year now. It sucks, because I want to keep doing it, but something is telling me that I'm not supposed to do that anymore. That I have to try to move out of my recovery position, and maybe start to lift my head up a bit.
It's so hard. I try so hard to be positive, everyday. And some days, it works. Other days, it makes things worse and makes me want to cry even harder.
And work is a lot, but I love my job so much. I love the idea of it. I just. I needed it.
And school is a lot. I cried tears of joy because I'm only taking four classes. I then cried tears of frustration because I have two more years of school and I just want to be done.
I've been writing again. Kind of. At the very least, I've been brainstorming. I'm seriously debating self-publishing. It was never what I wanted for my novels, but I don't know that I'll get the things I want the way I want them. And it's frustrating. And it's frustrating because I keep telling myself I can't have these things, but the world keeps telling me I can't have these things, so what else am I supposed to think?
Lately, I've had a hard time thinking about the future, but after a conversation with my boss today, I think I want to be an editor. At least for now. I love the process so much.
Y'know, it's funny, the one thing I ask for people to pray for me about is my loneliness, but it doesn't really ever seem to get better. Well, it gets better in superficial ways. I just want one person to want a deep and meaningful friendship with me, to hold me at the same regard that I hold them, to have a healthy relationship.
I think in some ways, I'm really losing myself. I feel like someone turned my brain into scrambled eggs almost all the time, and it's so isolating. It's hard because the boy I'm in love with doesn't really notice me that way, and my two friends are... well. I don't want to talk badly about them because I love them so much. They're just busy and I don't come first, and that's okay.
I guess I just want someone to put me first for once. I want one person to choose to prioritize me. Playing second fiddle to everyone is exhausting. So, I'm not even going to try to compete anymore. I give up. I'm not going to try to make someone have a different type of relationship with me than they want.
I just want to be someone's number one, someone's best friend. I want to be the person someone runs to when they're excited or when something happens. But I'm not. I'm not that person for anyone, and I don't know why. It makes me feel like I did something wrong, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me because no one wants to make me a priority.
No one cares enough.
Do you know how much that hurts?
No one cares enough about me to want to make time to do things with me.
Note: I am excluding my family in these statements.
I feel like I'm watching my life slip through my fingertips and I'm alone.
And I try really hard to keep myself from spiraling, but I'm terrified of everything. I'm scared to leave my house sometimes. I want to cozy up in my nest and never leave.
Part of me feels like I'm living in a timeline where I'm not supposed to exist. Part of me wonders if I will ever feel good in my body and secure in my health. Part of me wonders if I will ever be someone's number one. Part of me wonders if someone will care enough about me.
Part of me wonders if I'll ever be able to have a friendship where I'm not the therapist friend.
Part of me wonders when I'll get to have a child. When I'll get to have the relationship. The marriage. The love story.
I keep holding out hope that it'll be a good one, but the longer I wait, the worse I feel about it. I'm twenty-two and I've never been kissed and I'm so embarrassed by that. I wanted to be married by now. And I wish I was even in a place to do something. To serve, to do outreach, to do something meaningful with my time.
Sometimes, more often than not lately, I feel like a waste of space.
And I hate that.
I hate everything. I hate the world. I hate people. I hate my stupid body and my stupid face and my stupid emotions and I'm trying to be better and not talk down to myself about things like that. But it's hard. I don't want to get out of bed. But I force myself to. I force myself to shower, wash my face, slap on some makeup, pack up a lunch, and go to work.
I am depressed because I am chronically lonely.
I am a person who needs connection to others more than I need the air in my lungs and I have not had a truly meaningful and reciprocated connection with someone in years, and even then, it wasn't healthy. They're never healthy when I finally get them. And at that point, I'm so desperate for connection, that I take anything I get and just deal when the emotional abuse starts to come in.
I don't belong.
All I want is to belong.
For one person, to see me--to really see me-- and say, "I see you. And I accept you."
All I want is for someone to treat me the way I treat others. I want that connection. I want to be accepted, I want to be loved, I want to be understood, I want to be vulnerable --and not in the fake way I tend to do it, or the panicky way, but because I feel safe enough to be. I want someone to help me feel safe. I want someone who can bring me comfort and security.
And I'm stuck finding all of these things in my pillow.
I would give the world and more for just a feeling of security.
Just a small one.
My life is constantly upended, over and over and over again.
Just a hug, really. Or someone to lay with me and watch a movie. Or maybe someone to read to me when I have a migraine. Someone who chooses to spend their time with me, not because they haven't seen me in a while or to play catch-up, no. Someone who wants to see me all the time, someone who wants to be important to me. Someone who wants to be there for the good and bad things, all the time. Someone who wants a life with me.
I just want someone who wants to do life with me. And really actually means it.
EDIT: I didn't like that this ended on such a sad note, so I want to take a quick moment to list a few things I'm incredibly grateful for, and I hope you do the same. Three for me, and three for you.
I am grateful that I have wonderful parents who are supportive and want me to do what makes me happy.
I'm grateful for my two amazing siblings. While we don't always get along, I can always count on them.
The sanctuary of fictional characters.
Good! Gives you a bit of pep to your step, right? Do you have a little bit more sunshine in your soul now? I hope that uplifted you.
Current Listen: "my tears ricochet" by Taylor Swift and "Here Comes the Sun" by The Beatles
Current Read: Red Glove by Holly Black
Current Watch: New Girl (again)
Current Game: Sims 4 or Phasmophobia
And a quote to sign off on: