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If you've ever heard a piano be tuned, you know it's a lot of racket. A lot of playing the same note over and over again and adjusting the wire until it's at the right pitch.
It's... annoying and hard on the ears, but the turn out is a beautifully tuned piano that plays magically.
As I sit here, listening to my own piano be tuned, it makes me think of how God has tuned me to align with Him, and how He's still tuning me. It's a long, tedious process.
God works in our lives so magically, and if I look back I who I was even a year ago, I wouldn't recognize myself.
I keep using the word magical because I can't think of a better one to use.
How has God tuned me?
Well, He opened my mind to things I would never have dreamed possible. I've become a more solid, open-minded person in general, I think. God opened my mind to the possibilities of the future and it's a wonderful thing to get to witness.
Right now, I think I'm really struggling with being happy, and that's where I'm being tuned.
I mean, honestly, for years everything was so nonstop bad in my life that I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can feel the paranoia like it's my best friend. And it's weird because it's not as intense as it used to be, but just enough to keep me on edge. The treatment for my bipolar and OCD has been helping a lot, but the adjustment to allowing myself happiness without sabotaging it is really difficult.
I have a really bad habit of self-sabotaging, and I have it practiced like a memorized piano piece.
Honestly, it's weird to sit here and write this and talk about this sort of stuff, but I'm adjusting.
It's weird to feel happy. Is that bad to say? It's really weird to feel happy in a way that isn't mania.
I've found myself getting bored and turning to the hobbies I used to do. I'm even waking up early and going to bed early!
I've felt so out of tune for so long, that it's wonderful to begin to feel in-tune and find myself and who I used to be, and who I am now. I love feeling this way, but it's also the most terrifying feeling in the world.
It's exhilarating.
I've been finding guidance at church as well. I've been going to Bible study and working with one of the staff members to get into better spiritual habits (daily devotionals, etc.). I'm also starting the Keto diet after my birthday and I'm going to start walking a bunch. I'm also starting to play the piano again and I love it a ton. It's been magical to get back into music again.
I've been really sentimental since I'm turning 23 tomorrow, and while I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be, I'm really happy with where I am.
I'll keep y'all updated as I go chugging along, but for now, I'll wrap a bit early and say bye because I've got some birthday festivities to head off too.
So, until next time!
~Natalie
Date Written: March 3rd and 4th, 2023
Current Read: Love and Other Words by Christina Lauren
Current Watch: Pushing Daisies